Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
