u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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