I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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