My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
