Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
