just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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