So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Everclear isn't food dammit
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
