Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
