I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
