Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
