yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
