Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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