census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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