I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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