Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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