dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
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In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...