Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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