I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
