It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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