You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
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It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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