She went from zero to smokin in five shots
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
