Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
