Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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