So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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