where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
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How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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