im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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