Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
