I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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