if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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