We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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