Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
