We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
