Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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