I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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