I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
