So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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