he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
