Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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