Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
