ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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