I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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