Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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