she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
