I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
