I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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