i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
