I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
