cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
