Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
