my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
