is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
sarcasm needs its own font
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
