why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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