I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
