life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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