it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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