Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
