why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
