So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
