Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
