1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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