yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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